maybe i have to admit that i don't love them, because there are so many different feelings that can't be easily described. to him -the first guy i mentioned- it's just a feeling of likeness, because we're so much alike and we're like connected to each other. we share the same hobbies, the same point of view, and we act almost the same. we have the same taste of movies and designing. that's why we're like so connected to each other. and it came to the condition where we met everyday and he became comfortable with me and so did i, we were like close friends, and we enjoyed touching each other, giving affection like a couple, but in fact we weren't. we're like brother and sister and sometimes more like a couple. but only in certain times. and i have to admit that i enjoyed it.
if now i begin to miss him, i miss our likeness. i miss our time that's been shared together at the office. i miss his touch, and i miss sharing this affection. that's what i admit. but i don't care more about his life, and so does he. i don't really make an effort to know him more, or try to get closer because i just don't really want to. our feelings come to the point of just enjoying each other's presence, that's why we missed each other when we were not together. if one says that i'm in love with him, i'm not really into that feeling. yes i've ever wondered if we could be a couple somehow, but that's just not my ultimate purpose. because between us it's like there's a gap that keep us being single. i just feel it. i mean, i understand that we're so much alike.
it's true and a bit comforting when i confront myself like this and i come to a conclusion that i don't love him. since the first time, i knew it wasn't love. it was just attraction. we're attracted to each other under certain circumstances. and the condition around us made us want to share some affection. that's human i think. but we can choose whether it is a yes or a no to continue our 'sudden' relationship. and i know that it's a No.
in fact, i have learnt about him and his status back then -from his profile in facebook and friendster-, and i found out that he's just a mere guy that likes to get attention from girls -who doesn't anyway- but yes, the way he did all the efforts was just as childish as a high schooler's. i mean, i know if a guy is mature, he can control himself on how they would treat woman and how they may flirt or something. the way he did it was like being patterned. sorry to say, it's so conventional -yet i like it, damn it-. and i begin to miss it -again, damn it-
now, i have to move on with my life, for i'm not expecting anything from him. i'm not really expecting a relationship or what, coz that's just not my intention for now. i was just being naive and driven too much by my feelings that made me not able to see things clearly.
the thing about being naive kept me wondering why i always have him in my mind, when my heart is telling me that i'm not really in love with him. the truth has been revealed. and i'm truly honest to my heart now, i don't wanna deny it anymore, but i have to move on and choose a new path. i can't always have him in mind, in dreams or imagination, that is just a useless thing to have in mind. and also i don't need to have some guy to replace him, since if i'm not good enough at controlling my own emotion, how am i gonna control my partner's. if i can't confront my own feelings how am i gonna confront my partner's feeling.
now, i know what i have to do. because i have known my heart and true feelings toward that guy. i need to settle things back, and ready for another journey of life. who says that i'm hurt. i'm not. actually i'm not -that- hurt. yes it feels a bit hurt, but realizing all these things myself has opened my heart. it's not that i close my heart for another guy to come, i just need to prepare myself so that i don't fall in the same hole.
now, i know that my heart meets another guy that match my 'exact' type, but i have to always keep my heart diligently, and not give it to some guy who i'm not sure he's able to keep it or even treat it right.
i know what i have to do now. i do.
no need to be upset for what have been done and happened. i know that i've made mistakes and i've learned. i'm not afraid to fall, but i learn not to fall in the same hole. i've got brain. a super qualified one. i try to forgive myself, and not again being driven by my naive feelings.
when i fall, i learn.
when i learn, i grow.
when i grow, i'm prepared.
i'm prepared for greater things.
0 comments:
Post a Comment